"I am alive!"
This is not just a stating of the obvious or coming from a
medical point of view. I, Jonathan, feel this in so many new
ways and forms! I love the feeling of life pushing, pumping
but mainly flowing through me! This is quite the statement
coming from someone who has lost count on the number of times
I have wanted to take my own life. I was usually so depressed
and paralyzed with fear and hate for myself. I could not even
find "peace" in the idea of killing of myself. That
is all I wanted to do, I could not shut up all the voices
in my head and keep everyone happy. I was hiding from everyone,
not being myself, not knowing even who I was. Alcoholism,
overeating, and all of the other ways I tried to cover up
what I felt. I did not like who or what I was. It was better
to slowly destroy myself and try to smile for the cameras!
It has been a long road, but I am now starting to enjoy my
own company on this ride. "I am in love with me!"
Let me tell you a little
about this miracle of love. I knew for a long time how unhappy
I was. I had reached out for help many times. Each time I
created what I needed with wonderful loving friends and counselors.
I started a journey to find out and prove just how right I
was in my thinking. I read Bibles, Sacred Texts, studied religions
of many people just to see how they where wrong. The entire
time the "brain got smart, but the head was getting dumb!"
I was learning lots but missing out on all of the experiences
life had to offer me because I could not live "right"
till I found the right path! That is where "The Four
Agreements," Toltec's, and Teotihuacan come into my story.
In my search, I say a book
found me. No, an Angel found me in the form of a book. The
Four Agreements entered my life when I heard don Miguel Ruiz
speak in Spokane. I can not even tell you what he said that
day but I picked up his book and read it. It fit into my beliefs
so well! I thought it was great for him to put down on paper
what I know; it saves me from doing it! At that event, I signed
up to know more about a local group that was forming. That
is when I created a teacher for myself in don Allan Hardman.
I went to his workshops and said yes, yes don Allan "I"
approve of what you are saying! I went to meetings and offered
my skills to help things happen here in the "right"
way. I do not think I even realize now what forces where at
work within me during that time. My awareness started to increase
and I started seeing and feeling different things I my life.
I hated the thought of "the parasite" controlling
"My Life." "I AM in charge of MY LIFE!"
Sure I was!
I became an apprentice
to don Allan, which was a big commitment to the saving of
my life. Not to say I thought of it that way at all. I know
I "felt" that it was the right thing. I could afford
it after all. Funny thing that money is always so important.
I can buy alcohol, Prozac, St. Johns Wort, etc. to shut up
the voices for right now but can I really afford to find the
peace I am looking for? I'm doing the work and "feeling"
for me. I'm not happy with a lot that I have found, but I
have stayed the course. I knew a big part of all this would
be going to Teotihuacan, in Mexico with don Allan. I knew
that the big event of angels singing and the heavens opening
and God telling me I am on the right path would happen there.
I concentrated everything on that trip to the point of putting
my 11 year marriage on the big rocks. I left not sure if I
would have a marriage to come back to. I had to go. I knew
it in every cell of my being. It did change my life but not
with great mystic experiences of angels and visions, or did
it? My brain still says "No" you can not document
one great vision and point of change. However, the Spirit
within me says "yes it did." I fell in love with
me in that wonderful place of Teotihuacan. I feel I am in
better touch with me! We are on very close intimate terms
if nothing else.
I have fought with this
paper for over a week trying to think how to write something
for others like me, to show them there is a wonderful door
open to them, too. There have been so many great sacred texts
written trying to do just that. It has been such a subtle
difference in my life. It is so hard to explain to anyone.
It is like explaining to someone who has never had an apple,
what it tastes like. What is the experience of an apple? I
can tell you it tastes sweet but what you think of sweet and
what I think of may be very different. How do I explain to
someone the difference between knowing something and really
"knowing" something within the body with comfort
and peace and satisfaction?
I know I am creating a
new life at peace with the voices inside. Those voices were
so loud that I was willing to end my life. They are still
there but I CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN to them anymore. I am open
to experiencing this day in this moment right now. Am I able
to live the Four Agreements completely all the time? No. However,
I do the best I can. I gently remind myself about being here
right now. Moreover, the love relationship with myself continues
to grow. Just like my marriage, I know we have great times
and times I thought for sure it was over but it is up to me.
I have dreamed the entire thing and it is up to me to decide
what I truly want, and then communicate and create that with
love with my beautiful wife. The journey is so wonderful!
I am very happy it continues and there is so much to live
for and experience at all levels. I am willing to guide anyone
else interested towards this door of life.
I guess I can not say I
have found the "Only" way, the "True way"
or that nothing else is worthwhile. It is working for me.
All I know is I am "ALIVE!" and I am feeling and
knowing connections with life, nature, the Universe, and with
God. And "I feel GOOD!" Bring it on, let me experience
it at new and wondrous levels! I will always thank don Allan
for his guidance, and don Miguel for his Angel! I am thrilled
I dreamt them into my life!