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by Allan Hardman.


January 2001

"I am alive!" This is not just a stating of the obvious or coming from a medical point of view. I, Jonathan, feel this in so many new ways and forms! I love the feeling of life pushing, pumping but mainly flowing through me! This is quite the statement coming from someone who has lost count on the number of times I have wanted to take my own life. I was usually so depressed and paralyzed with fear and hate for myself. I could not even find "peace" in the idea of killing of myself. That is all I wanted to do, I could not shut up all the voices in my head and keep everyone happy. I was hiding from everyone, not being myself, not knowing even who I was. Alcoholism, overeating, and all of the other ways I tried to cover up what I felt. I did not like who or what I was. It was better to slowly destroy myself and try to smile for the cameras! It has been a long road, but I am now starting to enjoy my own company on this ride. "I am in love with me!"

Let me tell you a little about this miracle of love. I knew for a long time how unhappy I was. I had reached out for help many times. Each time I created what I needed with wonderful loving friends and counselors. I started a journey to find out and prove just how right I was in my thinking. I read Bibles, Sacred Texts, studied religions of many people just to see how they where wrong. The entire time the "brain got smart, but the head was getting dumb!" I was learning lots but missing out on all of the experiences life had to offer me because I could not live "right" till I found the right path! That is where "The Four Agreements," Toltec's, and Teotihuacan come into my story.

In my search, I say a book found me. No, an Angel found me in the form of a book. The Four Agreements entered my life when I heard don Miguel Ruiz speak in Spokane. I can not even tell you what he said that day but I picked up his book and read it. It fit into my beliefs so well! I thought it was great for him to put down on paper what I know; it saves me from doing it! At that event, I signed up to know more about a local group that was forming. That is when I created a teacher for myself in don Allan Hardman. I went to his workshops and said yes, yes don Allan "I" approve of what you are saying! I went to meetings and offered my skills to help things happen here in the "right" way. I do not think I even realize now what forces where at work within me during that time. My awareness started to increase and I started seeing and feeling different things I my life. I hated the thought of "the parasite" controlling "My Life." "I AM in charge of MY LIFE!" Sure I was!

I became an apprentice to don Allan, which was a big commitment to the saving of my life. Not to say I thought of it that way at all. I know I "felt" that it was the right thing. I could afford it after all. Funny thing that money is always so important. I can buy alcohol, Prozac, St. Johns Wort, etc. to shut up the voices for right now but can I really afford to find the peace I am looking for? I'm doing the work and "feeling" for me. I'm not happy with a lot that I have found, but I have stayed the course. I knew a big part of all this would be going to Teotihuacan, in Mexico with don Allan. I knew that the big event of angels singing and the heavens opening and God telling me I am on the right path would happen there. I concentrated everything on that trip to the point of putting my 11 year marriage on the big rocks. I left not sure if I would have a marriage to come back to. I had to go. I knew it in every cell of my being. It did change my life but not with great mystic experiences of angels and visions, or did it? My brain still says "No" you can not document one great vision and point of change. However, the Spirit within me says "yes it did." I fell in love with me in that wonderful place of Teotihuacan. I feel I am in better touch with me! We are on very close intimate terms if nothing else.

I have fought with this paper for over a week trying to think how to write something for others like me, to show them there is a wonderful door open to them, too. There have been so many great sacred texts written trying to do just that. It has been such a subtle difference in my life. It is so hard to explain to anyone. It is like explaining to someone who has never had an apple, what it tastes like. What is the experience of an apple? I can tell you it tastes sweet but what you think of sweet and what I think of may be very different. How do I explain to someone the difference between knowing something and really "knowing" something within the body with comfort and peace and satisfaction?

I know I am creating a new life at peace with the voices inside. Those voices were so loud that I was willing to end my life. They are still there but I CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN to them anymore. I am open to experiencing this day in this moment right now. Am I able to live the Four Agreements completely all the time? No. However, I do the best I can. I gently remind myself about being here right now. Moreover, the love relationship with myself continues to grow. Just like my marriage, I know we have great times and times I thought for sure it was over but it is up to me. I have dreamed the entire thing and it is up to me to decide what I truly want, and then communicate and create that with love with my beautiful wife. The journey is so wonderful! I am very happy it continues and there is so much to live for and experience at all levels. I am willing to guide anyone else interested towards this door of life.

I guess I can not say I have found the "Only" way, the "True way" or that nothing else is worthwhile. It is working for me. All I know is I am "ALIVE!" and I am feeling and knowing connections with life, nature, the Universe, and with God. And "I feel GOOD!" Bring it on, let me experience it at new and wondrous levels! I will always thank don Allan for his guidance, and don Miguel for his Angel! I am thrilled I dreamt them into my life!